Nonsensical Christmas Songs

In general, I love Christmas music. It's festive. It's whimsical. It gives me peppermint scented waves of nostalgia. When you get down to the lyrics, though, a lot of them are pretty stupid. I have a particular beef with these songs in particular:

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus recorded by various artists: At the surface, it seems kind of adorable. A little boy catches his daddy dressed up as Santa kissing his mom. When you think about it though, it reveals a disturbing fetish. If the parents thought the little nugget was "in his bedroom fast asleep" as the song describes, what were they doing? Sure, costumes are fun in the boudoir, but Santa Claus? Nothing about a morbidly obese elderly man with rosacea breaking and entering gets me hot under the collar. The song should be more appropriately titled, My Mom Probably Had Her First Sexual Experience with a Department Store Santa (Now She Needs Therapy).

Christmas in Kansas City by Brad Millison: In my husband's words: "I hate that guy. I want to kick him in the face." This entire song is just a tourism commercial. And proof that the guy knows Kansas City isn't in some kind of time vortex (" 'Cause it's Christmas everywheeeeere.")

Do They Know It's Christmas? by Band Aid: I know, I know, it was for a great cause, yadda yadda yadda. It's still a terrible song. The lyrics are stupid. There is no reason to tell the target audience (rich people) not to be afraid at Christmas time. They weren't. The line, "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time," bugs me. No shit. They never have snow there. I doubt they care. So to answer the question posed in the title of the song, no, they probably don't know it's Christmas. Christmas, while it is celebrated secularly in the West, is a religious holiday. They probably don't know it's Christmas in China, either. Countries that aren't predominantly Christian don't celebrate it. Stupid song. If I ever write a charity song, I'll make sure it doesn't suck. It'll raise more money that way.

Last Christmas by Wham!: Do you know why this song sucks? Neither do I. I can't figure out what the hell they're even talking about.

This Gift by 98 Degrees: It's sappy and romantic, but if you pay attention, the guy is saying he loves his girl too much to buy her a present. He's not, however, offering anything else. This song just sounds like someone trying to score a pair of candy-cane printed panties.

I'm sure I'll think of more. Consider this the first course of Christmas Beef.