Pregnancy Hormones

Damn you. Damn you to hell.

As you may know, I am currently pregnant. Perhaps that's why I'm so bitchy. Whatever. Anyway, I have a beef with the emotional effects of the pregnancy in particular. I cry all the effing time. My computer battery dies while I'm playing a game? I cry. There's nothing good on TV? I cry. I cry when my kids do something cute. I cry when they act like they are monkeys high on meth recently released from prison (they're three and two... it happens.) Today, it reached the level of the ridiculous. All music now makes me cry. Six songs in a row on the iPod. Six. In. A. Row. They were of varying genres and lyrical content. One even made me cry because it was Kanye and that guy is such a douche. Another post on him another time. What a tool bag... But it's ridiculous! What possible reason is there for my body to melt into hysterics at the drop of a hat? The logical part of my brain is standing in the corner of my head screaming at the emotional part to shut the hell up, which is of course, hurting my emotional side's feelings and making that bitch cry even more. Ugh. Therefore, hormones, I not-so-respectfully implore you to knock it off. If I have to plug my ears with my fingers and do the "La-la-la-la-not-listening!" bit, I will. You disgust me.

Also, hormones, you can quit with the barfing. Waiting til I finish the last bite of something I love is not a good time to tell me it might upset my stomach. That's too late. Please plan ahead.

Nonsensical Christmas Songs

In general, I love Christmas music. It's festive. It's whimsical. It gives me peppermint scented waves of nostalgia. When you get down to the lyrics, though, a lot of them are pretty stupid. I have a particular beef with these songs in particular:

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus recorded by various artists: At the surface, it seems kind of adorable. A little boy catches his daddy dressed up as Santa kissing his mom. When you think about it though, it reveals a disturbing fetish. If the parents thought the little nugget was "in his bedroom fast asleep" as the song describes, what were they doing? Sure, costumes are fun in the boudoir, but Santa Claus? Nothing about a morbidly obese elderly man with rosacea breaking and entering gets me hot under the collar. The song should be more appropriately titled, My Mom Probably Had Her First Sexual Experience with a Department Store Santa (Now She Needs Therapy).

Christmas in Kansas City by Brad Millison: In my husband's words: "I hate that guy. I want to kick him in the face." This entire song is just a tourism commercial. And proof that the guy knows Kansas City isn't in some kind of time vortex (" 'Cause it's Christmas everywheeeeere.")

Do They Know It's Christmas? by Band Aid: I know, I know, it was for a great cause, yadda yadda yadda. It's still a terrible song. The lyrics are stupid. There is no reason to tell the target audience (rich people) not to be afraid at Christmas time. They weren't. The line, "There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time," bugs me. No shit. They never have snow there. I doubt they care. So to answer the question posed in the title of the song, no, they probably don't know it's Christmas. Christmas, while it is celebrated secularly in the West, is a religious holiday. They probably don't know it's Christmas in China, either. Countries that aren't predominantly Christian don't celebrate it. Stupid song. If I ever write a charity song, I'll make sure it doesn't suck. It'll raise more money that way.

Last Christmas by Wham!: Do you know why this song sucks? Neither do I. I can't figure out what the hell they're even talking about.

This Gift by 98 Degrees: It's sappy and romantic, but if you pay attention, the guy is saying he loves his girl too much to buy her a present. He's not, however, offering anything else. This song just sounds like someone trying to score a pair of candy-cane printed panties.

I'm sure I'll think of more. Consider this the first course of Christmas Beef.

Fat Free Foods

Food manufacturers- do you taste this stuff before it hits shelves? Clearly, you do not.

A box of fat free saltine crackers accidentally made it into my cupboard recently. Now, a regular cracker tastes fine and doesn't have much fat. The fat free ones? They taste like dust and tears. Why make a product that, in my estimation, provides an experience of unnecessary angst? It was like licking an emo kid.

And fat free cheese? I've eaten tastier crayons.

The McRib

A Beef about Pork:

Oh, McDonalds. Tsk, tsk. Why go to the effort to make it look like it has bones in it? Nobody would order a BBQ rib sandwich if they thought it had bones. That is just stupid enough to fall slightly short of whimsical, like the movie Glitter. The McRib is the Glitter of fast-food.

Lactivists, Intactivists, Wear-my-baby-on-my-backtivists, and other Fear Mongers who Prey on Parents (Part One)

I will address these one at a time.

Lactivists

I understand that you are well meaning. I understand that "breast is best." Heck, I breastfed my own children. I get my panties in a wad though when you accuse people who formula-feed of being lazy or bad parents. It isn't poison. There is a whole generation of people who managed to survive to adulthood and make something of themselves despite not being breastfed. They're called baby boomers. There's a lot of them. Almost all of them were formula babies, and that was back when formula wasn't near as advanced as it is now. I have never personally been able to walk up to a person and say, "Gee, you seem really healthy and smart. You must have been exclusively breastfed as an infant." Outcomes, people. Outcomes. And I get really worked up when you think you need to whip a feedbag out in public without covering up. Whine all you want about how it's a natural function and babies don't want to eat under a blanket and breasts shouldn't be so sexual. That's bullshit. You are a button-pusher. You know what else has a natural function that isn't sexual? A penis. But if a man needs to take a leak and decides to do it in a bush somewhere, he's a pervert. Next point- babies regularly sit in their own urine, feces, and vomit stained clothes with big ole grins on their faces. They have been hanging upside down, wadded up, naked, and wet for most of their existence. They like being swaddled. Being closed in does not bother them. They also can't see very far- their eyes are just not developed enough until quite a while after birth. They do not care where they are, as long as they get a meal. Cover up. Third- in western culture, breasts are sexual. They just are. Deal with it. Odds are, you sexualize them yourself. Do you own a pretty bra or a shirt that shows a bit of cleavage? Do you let your partner motorboat you? Do you wear a shirt? Then you are a participant in the sexualization of breasts. It makes people incredibly uncomfortable when you just undress in a restaurant. Do you like it if someone just starts smoking right next to you? Do you bring a bottle of wine to dinner with a recovering alcoholic or a Baptist? Of course not! Even if you think it's completely wonderful and natural, respect the people around you.

Plus, nobody wants to see your ginormous nipples or listen to your baby spurt and gurgle, or, oh God...accidentally get sprayed.

I think I may spit up now.

The Dairy Industry

Dairy Council, I have a beef with you.

Stop telling people that cheese is healthy. It isn't. A delicious and magical treat? Yes. Healthy? You must be joking.

A quick scan of the FDA mandated "Nutrition Facts" label will tell you that cheese has a lot of calories, a lot of fat, a lot of sodium, and not much else. I mean, it's a congealed mass of spoiled milk and butter fat. Common sense should tell people that this is not good for them.

Related beef: People, stop believing that people who want to sell you something have your health and best interest at heart. See above.

Morbidly Obese People

Seriously?

What the eff?

I don't understand the progression from "Sure, I'll have a shake with that," to "I have to get an MRI at the zoo and I haven't been able to find my penis in years." The super obese ones are the craziest. I'm talking can't-get-out-of-bed, family-pet-lost-in-an-arm-fold, Discovery-Channel-special types. Yo family members: they can't come after you if you stop bringing them cheese doodles. What, is fatty going to wing a bedpan at you if you refuse him nachos? You are in complete control. Replace the cheeseburgers with veggieburgers. If they holler and scream, just leave. It's that simple. Eventually they will have dwindled to a more manageable size, and hopefully, will have the good sense to thank you for forcing some health on them.

Little Bear

Little Bear, I have a beef with you.

Why are you naked, when your parents and many of your friends are always fully dressed? It's weird.

Also, do you know that your friends are all things that you should want to eat? Bears are not supposed to hang out with chickens, ducks, and little girls. They are supposed to eat them. Know your place in the food chain. On a similar note, it is rather insensitive to do any cooking with eggs when your friend Hen is around.