Facebook Illiteracy

There are a few distinct groups of people on Facebook these days:

Ghosts: These are the folks who signed up for an account once years ago, and have either no picture at all, a fuzzy picture of themselves taken some five to ten years ago, or a random clip art as their profile picture. "Happy Birthday" is the only thing on the ghost's wall, and it will be from the two or three previous years at least. I have to commend the ghosts for having a real life outside of the internet. Bravo to you.

Grown Ups: People who use Facebook to post pictures of their kids and keep up with relatives and friends they don't regularly see. Most of the posts and pictures from these people will be fairly mundane and as wholesome as Leave It To Beaver. They almost always have a family picture, a picture of themselves with their significant other, or a picture of children as a profile picture. I have no beef with you people. I even consider myself one of you.

Activists: People who use Facebook as their own personal soapbox. Every other post is a link to some poorly researched or highly inflammatory blog article about a fringe topic. The thing they don't realize is that nobody they are trying to convince actually reads the crap they post. We all started ignoring them months ago.

Children: This includes anyone who is under 18, still in high school, or still gets "gas money" from his or her parents. There are some problems with the things kids post, but generally it's at least somewhat excusable given that they are kids and, well, stupid. Nobody can argue that. We've all been there. Someday, senators and businessmen will look back at their archived Facebook profiles. They will see "OMGEEEE MY KITTEEEE IS AWESOMMMEEEEE!!!!!!!" or "Math sux! I wont evr use this crap!" and cringe like everyone else does when they see pictures of themselves in perms and slap bracelets. But we will look past it, because they were kids.

Idiots: These people should be banned from the internet. I'm talking about the ones who, despite being at least twenty five years old, still use pictures they took of themselves in the bathroom mirror making a "sexy face" as a profile picture. The ones who, I kid you not, will have a poorly spelled, profanity laced fight in the status line of the profile they share as a couple. I am "friends" with several of these types on Facebook, and I have some words of advice that might make people take them more seriously.

1. You're not in high school anymore. People do not arbitrarily hate you. Stop making vague statements about drama and haters, because it only reveals your own insecurity and immaturity. Adults have more important things to think about than how much they do or do not like you. Y'know, like mortgages, marriage, jobs, and things like that. Even if there are real drama and haters in your life, talking about them on Facebook isn't going to help. If that is the case, you should probably get some new friends anyway.

2. Let's have some respect for the English language, okay? If you have successfully completed the sixth grade, there is no reason to post misspelled and incomplete words. In fact, Facebook automatically spell checks. You have to ignore the red wiggly line under your illegible ramblings to make yourself look that stupid. Really, it just makes you look illiterate. The same thing goes for text speak written in any post not generated from a mobile device. We have a beautiful and very functional lexicon. Use whole words.

3. Remember that employers regularly look at Facebook profiles prior to hiring someone. If your pictures are all of you half naked and trashed at a kegger, or your posts read like this: "Can u get herpes from toilet seats???" you will not get the job.

4. Nobody wants to see your nasty ass shower curtain in the background of your profile pic. Stop taking pictures of yourself in the bathroom mirror. Duckface is not sexy. Taking "sexy pose" pictures of yourself and then posting them on the internet seems way desperate, especially if you're an adult with children. You will not attract the kind of people you say you want to spend time with.

If you do any of those things, you fail the internet. Cease and desist immediately until you can be a little less juvenile.

Cats and the People Who Like Them

When this commercial started last night, I turned to my husband and said, "I swear, if this is a damn cat food commercial, I'm going to punch something." There are a few glaring problems with it. First, the lady who is obsessed with the fluffy white kitty appears to be neither overweight or insane. Second, the man who is obsessed with the fluffy white kitty is clearly a homosexual. Third, the cats appear to be friendly, and we all know the rule: the more attractive the cat, the more of a psycho bitch it is. Finally, WTF THE CAT HAS A FURNISHED ROOM and the people are eating dinner on a box?

This post is more about the illness that is "being a cat person" than about cats themselves. Don't misunderstand- I do hate cats, both large and small. The big'uns because they are bone-chillingly terrifying, and the litl'uns because they act like the big ones in an annoyingly impotent way. They are unpredictably moody and aggressive. But they can't help being the a-holes of the pet world, so I'll let them slide. (Yes, my dislike for the feline race is fueled by a traumatic experience...)

My beef is with the Fancy Feast cat lovers of the world. Cats, if left to their own devices, eat mice, birds, and garbage. Do we really need to feed them shrimp and salmon out of crystal dishes? Why are people trying to impress an animal that attacks you if you move in your sleep? They aren't going to like you any better if you give them kitty foie gras or dry kibble. Heck, they aren't going to like you at all. The best you can get from a cat is an indifferent stare or *if you're lucky* the privilege of petting them until they decide to bite you. And people who love cats will take the bites and scratches like a masochist. Please, people, enough with the kitty cat tee shirts and coffee mugs. The cat wouldn't make one of you, if the tables were turned. Stop buying better food for an animal that tolerates your presence, at best, than you do for yourself. Anything that stinks and poops in the house should be expected to have a little more gratitude.